I've been hearing a lot about the "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" video game lately, so I decided to write a review.  About halfway through writing the scathing review, I wondered if I should maybe play the game before bashing it.  After all, "honesty in reporting" and all that good stuff.  The first obstacle was that I had to purchase the game to play it.  It's about $40 at Target which isn't that much for a video game, but it also comes with a non-optional copy of the first "Left Behind" novel which is worth about negative $100 which means a fair price would be for them to pay me to take it home. I just couldn't get myself to buy it - financially or figuratively.

Then I heard there was a free demo of the game, so off to the Internets to find which information tube it could be found in. After much Googling and prayer, I was finally able to download a copy from FilePlanet without having to register or pay a fee.  It was around 200 megabytes so it took a couple of hours to download on my slow speed DSL connection (see previous post).

Installation

The installation went fairly smoothly.  The only notable thing was in the End User's License Agreement (EULA).  I usually accept the EULAs that come with programs I install without so much as a glance - as I'm sure do 99% of other users as well.  I thought I would read this one just in case, though, and sure enough, it has some interesting clauses. 

Paragraph 29 states that by clicking the "agree" button "the user agrees to renounce all affiliations with Evil and any minions thereof and to accept Jesus Christ as his/her Lord and Saviour."  In the appendices, it defines "Evil" as "Any person, entity, or object relating to Satanic beliefs - also referred to as leftist, liberal, or progressive in political jargon.  This includes all religions other than Christianity, and any entities that do not endorse all policies of the President of the United States, George W. Bush. This definition is subject to change or update at any time without notice and at our sole discretion. The game licensee is solely responsible for checking the Left Behind website regularly for any future updates to this document, and said user preemptively agrees to abide by any and all of the aforementioned changes and/or updates"

Paragraph 137 states that the end user agrees "not to be gay or sympathize with any gay thing, be it actual homosexuality or the more colloquial use of the term connoting 'lameness' or the act of being 'not cool'."

I clicked the "I agree" button and then had a gay thought which immediately invalidated the EULA and meant that I would have to play the game illegally.  Oh well.

Cinematography, gameplay, and other aspects are reviewed after the fold. 




Cinematography 

The demo starts with a beautifully pre-rendered animation that depicts the Final Days before the characters in the game get "Left Behind." In the first scene, the earth is shown (surprisingly spherical rather than flat) from a distance as raptured souls are shot into space like rockets that speed toward heaven.  I tried to figure out from the position of the earth and location of the continents which sector of space heaven is located in, but it just shows enough to tantalize us.  I'm sure the creators of this game know exactly what planet heaven is on and are just toying with us.

 

Later in the video, there's a depiction of Michaelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling where God is creating Adam. 


As you can see, however, Adam is wearing gym shorts to hide his shame, unlike in the original painting where the evil Penis is uncovered. In this newer version, however, Adam appears to be sporting wood.

The voice-over is done by an ex-gay who was converted quite recently by Exodus, judging by the tones of his beautifully lilting fem voice. 

An image of Martin Luther King, Jr. is also shown for a brief moment.  I'm not sure if they're saying he is left behind because of his non-white race, or because he was a Liberal. 

Gameplay 

The object of the game is to save New York.  You are a Christian, but have not been spirited away in the rapture for some reason - maybe a celestial clerical error or something.  Your mission is for the good guys (the Tribulation Force) to sway heathens (the Global Community Peacekeepers) like rock stars and college students to the light of Christianity so they can take up guns and knives and help you righteously kill non-convertibles; all the while wearing sensible, wrinkle-free slacks and a sweater vest.  This may sound mind-achingly dull, and it is, but there were a few scenarios in the game that kept it interesting.

(warning: spoilers ahead) 

In one mission, you are supposed to infiltrate a gay leather bar and try to convert as many sinners as possible while listening to Cher and Madonna electronica dance mixes.  When your character enters the bar, he is exposed to a scene of orgiastic carnality.  Gay men in varying degrees of undress are sodomizing each other and giving blow jobs to demons and even rock stars.  No penises or buttholes are actually identifiable as such since the game is rated T (for Teen), but it's obvious what is going on from the grunting sounds and the body motions of the revelers.  Not to mention the hilarious expressions on their faces.

The demons are beyond hope, but some of the rock stars and other gays can be persuaded to the light.  Unfortunately, you have to fuck them in the ass to get their attention.  It took me a while to figure out this strategy. One rock star was particularly uncooperative and I had to anally rape him repeatedly into submission, but was ultimately successful in fucking the shit (and Satan) out of him--another recruit for God.  Praise Jesus!

There's also an interesting mission that takes place in a Mosque.  While a Godless Muslim is prostate on the ground facing Mecca in idolatrous prayer (or whatever the fuck it is they do) you thrust your dick into his asshole until his body is purified with your holy semen and he becomes white-skinned and a convert for Jesus.  The positive message here is that anyone - even stinking filthy Arabs - can be shown the way to Christ.  They'll never be as good as you, but you can hate the sin and love the sinner, nonetheless.

Note: all this hot man-on-man anal fucking action might be mistaken for gay sex by some uninformed seculars, but it's an apt symbolic representation of how fundamental Christianity needs to be forced on people. The Word must be spread.

There are discouraging parts of the game as well.  No matter how hard you anally rape some sinners, they just won't repent and join you.  When this happens you have to kill them before they turn into demons and attack your unit.  You do this by cutting off their head with a dull knife (which takes a lot of coordination with complex key combinations and fast reflexes) and bathing in the spilled blood, or alternatively you can riddle their body with machine-gun bullets and then rip the heart out of their chest and engorge on it before it stops beating.  Accurate aim and quick reaction are crucial here.

Although the game is marketed for Christians, some parents might be offended by the graphic sexual content (the violence is perfectly fine).  For this reason the game has a "pussy" setting that re-renders all penises, vaginae, and buttholes as cherries, peaches and brown dots, respectively, making the game very similar to Ms. Pacman.

Graphics and Sound 

One word - heavenly.  They really programmed their Casio keyboard synthesizer with godlike skilz.

Final Thoughts 

I was able to play the game for just two hours before breaking down and becoming a heterosexual, born-again, fundamentalist Christian.  All the anal sex and graphic violence brought me closer to God than I have ever been.  Upon finishing the demo, I exited the game and was exposed to this graphic: 

 

Oh my fucking God and Saviour, Jesus Christ!  Hallelujah! That guy on the Global Community Peacekeepers' side is fucking HAWT! All I wanted to do was penetrate every orifice of his meaty slab of grade A primed, beefy secularity!  And since he's on the dark side (or whatever) he just might be up for it too!  I immediately renounced all my recently acquired faith in fundamental Christianity and a white, sweater-vested America.

Then I had to wipe off my computer screen. Best Pr0n ever!

Ahhhh-men.

HB